the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I need a burrito and a hug.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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