I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
