One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
