yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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