I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
