I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
