Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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