I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
