I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
