Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
