he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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