I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
