Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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