His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
