I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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