He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
