NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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