I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
