so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
