Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
