C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
