Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
