somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
