I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Watching her eat just hurts me
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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