I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
