So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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