Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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