I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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