My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
