i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
