my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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