I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
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Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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