I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
