I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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