just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
