My friends, they love my intelligence
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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