Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
