ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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