Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
