White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
