If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING