Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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