New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
