I am in a vortex of obligation.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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