Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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