So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
