I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
