I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
