there's paper in my vomit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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