Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
