Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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