im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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