i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
