her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Found your dick twin last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
