I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.