Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
4 words: hood of his car
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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