Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way