Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
