just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
