Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
