I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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