If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's Friday. Sex?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
no, he came in my armpit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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