sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
