Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
